Why I Don’t Want Compliant Kids (and What to Teach Instead)
TL;DR:
- Raising respectful and responsible kids is more important than raising compliant kids.
This is a hill I will die on. I do not want to create tiny humans that are simply compliant. I want to foster helpful decision-making and accountability. In other words, I want kids to follow my requests because they know I am looking out for them and have their best interests at heart. Because I am trying to help them become successful grown-ups and the best version of themselves. I want them to trust me. I don’t want them to be rule followers; I want them to be kind and accountable. I want my kids to demonstrate empathy and accountability.
Here is why:
- Bullies
- Injustice
- Manipulation
- Critical thinking and character development
- Long-term change, personally and socially
And, most importantly: brain development.
I am going to do my best not to go too far down the rabbit hole. I will save that for a different day because things can get technical when you bring science into the conversation.
Side note: If you haven’t seen my posts about flipped lids, this is a great time to check it out. The rest will make more sense.(https://supportivestephanie.com/about-those-lids/)
A huge portion of what I want for my kids happens in the prefrontal cortex, or the thinking brain. This is where empathy, impulse control, problem-solving and emotional regulation all happen. Our thoughts, beliefs, and actions are all learned, just like any other behavior and the prefrontal cortex is responsible for them. (That is wild to think about, isn’t it?) This is the same part of the brain that goes offline when our lid flips and our amygdala (safety radar) takes over. Never in the history of ever have I made an excellent choice when my safety radar is activated.
Side note 2: It has been studied, humans can ACTUALLY (temporarily) lose IQ points when their lid is flipped. So, next time you do something stupid when you are frustrated, make sure to give yourself some grace. (https://www.princeton.edu/news/2013/08/29/poor-concentration-poverty-reduces-brainpower-needed-navigating-other-areas-life)
My goal is for my kids to enter adulthood ready to make decisions and show integrity. I want them to be able to take accountability for and learn from their mistakes. Like anything else, this takes practice. The brain is kind of like a muscle. The parts you use become the strongest. So, if I spend more time using my safety radar, my stress response is going to be stronger than my thinking brain. If I want to make good choices, I need time and practice using my thinking brain-which requires a feeling of safety.
Sure, but like, how?
So, when something unexpected happens, I try to be a coach instead of an authority. All learned behavior takes multiple attempts to master. If I want someone to be good at doing something on their own, it requires teaching and feedback.
Think about the person who taught you the most from their good example. Chances are, they coached you. They:
1) showed you how to do something,
2) did it with you,
3) let you do it on your own with supervision and encouragement.
4) kept watching and gave you helpful advice you could apply immediately.
5) taught you to see the whole picture, one step at a time.
That is the anatomy of good teaching.
It is good teaching because it allows us to learn and make mistakes without fully flipping our lid. When we feel safe, we can learn. Our lid stays down, we stay in our thinking brain, and we are able to build new or stronger connections in our brain.
To be honest, compliance is soooo much easier for me. Until it isn’t. Without meaning to, I create an environment where mistakes are scary. If I am scared, I spend less time in my thinking brain. Less time learning and practicing the skills that help me make good choices. It does not mean that there aren’t moments where compliance isn’t important or prioritized (like any safety situation.) It just means that, as the grown-up in the situation, when I am making decisions about how to respond, I do my best to think about how to use it as an opportunity to coach and help my kids build their thinking brain. In my field, this is called being a warm demander or kind and firm. No matter what you decide to call it, here are a few habits I have developed over the years to make that happen. We will spend more time exploring these in the future.
- Emotional coaching
- Leaning into natural consequences
- Honoring the principles of restorative justice
- Giving grace
- Identifying my bottom line FIRST and honoring my boundaries
- Listening Actively
- Modeling Integrity and Accountability
Here is the one thing that is ESSENTIAL to remember. If you only have the capacity to
do one thing, regulate. Sometimes that means self-regulation first; other situations call for co-regulation. But no matter what, first regulate, then handle the situation. As I have said before, dysregulated grown-ups can’t make regulated kids. None of this works if you are not putting on your life mask first.
##classroommanagement ##consciousparenting ##raisinghumans ##SEL ##teachershelpingteachers
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