My Story:
Peggy O’Mara said, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” It is one of those quotes that has stuck with me. I knew it was true instantly. I had seen it happen both in my classroom and my house. The kids always started repeating the things I said to each other. Sometimes, it was an uncomfortable lesson, like when they began bossing each other around. Other times, it warmed my heart, like when I overheard a student tell a classmate that it is ok to make mistakes, they could figure it out together.
I will admit that it is harder to do at home than at work. I am more emotionally involved with my children and often low on patience at the end of the day, but creating a habit of encouragement is worth the effort.
My youngest wears his heart on his sleeve, so it was easiest to see the impact of focusing on encouragement with him. He is also highly motivated by attention, so it is a very effective strategy. For a while, we were focusing on managing his ADHD and being able to follow multi-step directions. That was not successful. Each time he had to be redirected from a side quest, he would sink to the floor and say, “Why am I like this?” Not what a mom wants to hear. So, I started encouraging him instead. As he began to internalize the encouragement, he started encouraging us. And boy, is he encouraging. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me about something he thinks I did well. He is the best cheerleader anyone can ask for. Last week, he hopped into the car, buckled himself in and began a long, unbidden list of all my strengths. In the last couple of weeks, I have heard his self-talk change as well. He is starting to encourage himself and take more chances.
When I began intentionally using encouragement, the vibe in my classroom and my home completely changed. It didn’t require a new set of kids or a fancy procedure. All it took was building the habit of using encouragement instead of praise. It had some surprising outcomes, too. As my students began encouraging each other, they also became more willing to work together. They functioned as a community instead of a group of individuals. When that happened, I noticed I was able to enjoy my time with them more because I could trust that we would all work together to solve our problems. I didn’t have to watch them with an eagle eye or micromanage my first graders. Supervise, yes. Micro-manage, no. This did not mean my days were sunshine and roses. It was still a school highly impacted by poverty and trauma. Kids lost it every day. What did change is that my class was able to work together to support each other when someone’s lid flipped. It was a beautiful thing to watch.
Here is the other thing that happened: when they had internalized the encouragement and learned to share it with others, they saw themselves differently, too. I saw kids more eager to learn and more willing to try and get it wrong.
So, what is the difference between encouragement and praise?
Praise is focused on the “doer” and often has the unintended consequence of promoting a fixed mindset. Let’s take the example, “You are such a good boy.” (Since my kids are boys, and I have definitely said it to them.) If doing the right thing makes me “good” what happens when I make a mistake? Am I bad? The problem is, the learning happens in the mistake. We don’t learn when we get it right every time. So, if we are afraid to be bad or make a mistake, we don’t take the risks it takes to meet our full potential. On the other hand, if I said, “Thank you, it is really helpful when you follow directions quickly,” the implication is that I am helpful. When I believe I am a helpful person, I will be more helpful.
Here are some of my favorite encouraging sentences.
“Thank you for ______, that was really helpful.”
“When you ________, I feel respected. Thank you.”
“I see ____ is being a role model.”
“It looks like you worked really hard.”
“It sounds like that was a tough problem to solve. But, you did it!”
If you want to go down this rabbit hole, start with Rudolf Dreikurs.
##consciousparenting ##growthmindset ##raisinghumans ##SEL ##teachershelpingteachers
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