I will never forget the kid who taught me the beauty of co-regulation. Before I met him, co-regulation made sense, but also felt like one more thing to do when I was already doing so much. Then, I had a student who literally could not self-regulate. (Check out this post to learn about self-regulation.)
So, we made a new plan. When he escalated, and I called for backup, someone would come teach my class. My job was to co-regulate with him and come up with a plan for repair. (There is a story in there about relationships as well, but we will save that for a different day.) At first, it took about three laps around the track, followed by a restorative conversation to go from destroying the classroom to ready to solve the problem. Which makes sense, because neuroscience tells us that the stress hormone cortisol often peaks about 20 minutes after an event and takes about an hour to return to baseline. (If you are into science, this is an interesting read about cortisol.). Side note: like all things human, the time it takes to regulate varies widely. By the end of the year, he only needed one lap to regulate, think about other people’s perspectives, AND come up with a solution. One lap to do all that! We went from desks being tipped over to being regulated and ready to repair in about 10 minutes. It was incredible.
But what happened next was unexpected.
I realized I was a better teacher when we came back from the walks. I was worried that spending more time in an intense situation would be, you know, even more intense. What ended up happening is I came back regulated as well (that is the co part of co-regulation) and was able to handle the rest of the day with more calm and better decision making. Instead of living stressed out, I also had the chance to regulate, handle my stress, and get back to my thinking brain. I made better decisions that helped everyone stay in the learning zone. Everyone benefited, not just that one student.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a type of regulation. So, let’s start there. Regulation is when we use coping strategies to manage our nervous system, emotions and bodies. The goal is to return to our unique baseline and to find a calm, ready-to-learn/work state. When we regulate, it usually happens independently (self-regulation) or with someone else (co-regulation). There is not one kind of regulation that is inherently better than the other. But, co-regulation is an essential step in learning to self-regulate because it is how we learn, by doing together. Makes sense to me, after all, one of the first things they teach you in a teacher prep program is the power of modeling. We already know that kids learn better when they watch you do it. So, when you co-regulate, they are learning to regulate by watching you. Eventually, it sticks.
There is so much support out there if this is your particular rabbit hole. All you have to do is Google it.
How do I do it?
I have found regulation to be a very personal process. It usually takes a few tries before we find the strategy that works best for the kid and the situation. Here are my tips:
1. Pick a couple of strategies ahead of time.
-I like to pick between 2-4 energy down strategies for when they have extra energy and low self-control, and 2-3 energy up strategies for when they have low energy or are feeling less resilient but not yet flipping. I lean heavily on the recommendations from Emily and Amelia Nigoski about closing the stress cycle for regulation ideas. More on this to come.
-We practice these while we are all calm and notice how our body feels before and after.
2. When the time comes, I have the kid pick one of their preselected and practiced strategies.
-At the beginning, the kid will most likely have a flipped lid. Your very first job is simply making sure both of you are calm. This is not the time to talk about it or make demands. This is the time to take a break and calm down.
3. Do it together
-If the kid is ready, they will start talking. If they aren’t, I try to give us about 10 minutes before I attempt to engage in conversation or emotional coaching. While I give them the time they need to calm down, I watch. Are they starting to look more relaxed? Are they beginning to communicate more?
-Practice checking in. This is a habit I am always working on building with kids. It is normal to need more than 10 minutes or more than one strategy before you are ready to solve a problem… Practice checking in with your body to see if you need more time.
4. Debrief
-The debrief conversation is such a powerful learning tool. It is where the coaching and learning happen. When I debrief, we talk about the problem, how they chose to solve it, and whether it was helpful or hurtful. I do this regardless of the choice the kid makes because it is so, so easy to forget about the times we do things right. Then we either celebrate the progress or solve the problem together.
##childdevelopment ##classroommanagement ##raisinghumans ##SEL
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